Yesterday was pathology report day...
yeah, not the news we were hoping for.
The tumor was 2.1 cm by 2 cm, so slightly larger than we originally though , but still in the T1
The hormone receptor test had not be returned...for some odd reason , everyone was annoyed & angry about ( it's been a month), so they cant really stage the cancer. They don't know how aggressive it is , and cannot make any decisions about what hormonal type treat, if any, should be initiated... yay.
Of the 3 lymph nodes they took , one had a wee bit of cancer, and the other had a significant amount of cancer in it... yeeeah... so not good. ( not a death sentence btw they are still very positive about treatment , just to be clear)
SO at the moment we are looking at Chemo, and Radiation treatments.
But the kicker, well for me anyway, remember they said there was a 10% chance of having to go back in... yeah, Lucky me I'm in that 10 %. Or might be... apparently it's a little complicated in my age group.
IF I was in my 20's there would be no question, go back in take more lymph nodes
IF I was in my 70's there would be no question leave everything as it is
because of my age (48 for anyone who doesn't know), and because I am not in menopause there has been new studies showing that there may be evidence that having the chemo already blast the cancer in the lymph nodes so that removal may be overkill ( for lack of me having a better word) and the various side effects may be worse ( edema: my arm swelling up being very high up in those ) if the chemo is already doing it's job of killing off the cancer cells.
HOWEVER... we don't have 20 years of research/evidence about this.
I wait again.
The surgeons will be having a group meeting to discuss my situation...well not JUST me but anyone in a situation like this regarding surgery cancer etc. My surgeon is not a gung-ho "LET CUT" type of surgeon, therefore I am very comfortable with her recommendations.
I was hoping I wouldn't have to even think about more surgery.
I am so fucking sick of being in pain.
I am worried about losing my eyelashes, I already have blond eyelashes I look like a new born baby mouse without mascara .. and I am a little vain... I mean I'm not raging beauty, but hey I like my eyes.
I am worried about other side effects, like fatigue, nausea, and emotional swings.
I am worried of the hormone drugs ( assuming I'll have to take the Tamoxifen) putting me into Menopause, we don't deal with that thing all that well when it's natural... not sure how I'll deal with it suddenly being forced on me.
I am worried about all the needles.... I so fucking hate needles.... really really.... just... yeah
I am not worried about losing my hair, I've shaved my head too many times for that. I already plan to cut it very short & dye it bright pink with purple leopard spots before treatment starts.
I have learned not to suck it up anymore. I asked for a prescription for Ativan to get me through the test, and treatments I need to have. I have concluded the military are not going to call me up and give me an award for "being brave & muscling through" so fuck it.
The next steps I have are a CT scan, and a Bone scan, which I should be getting an appointment for hopefully next week, I go back Sept 4th to see the surgeon about if we go back in, and I should be getting a call from the Oncologist to set up to talk about and begin the Chemo etc.
I wish I could have made this post funny or poignant, mostly it just feels sad