8.29.2013

Top 10 Reasons Why my Hubby is as cool as (possiby cooler than ) Norman Reedus...

I'm a little obsessed...I am aware of that :D it's Ok it's all in good fun, and distraction from real life crapola, of which there has been so much.

But I should point out my obsession doesn't negate the fact that my hubby is one cool mutherfucker, and really the only person I truly wanna snuggle with.

With that in mind I give you the Top Ten Reasons Why my Hubby is as cool as Norman Reedus  :P

1. See all these pictures? Yeah my hubby took them (and went to fan Expo 2 years running when he wasn't really interested in most of whats there)


FanExpo 2013FanExpo 2013 Norman Reedus FanExpo 2013 Norman ReedusFanExpo 2013 Norman ReedusFanExpo 2013 Norman ReedusFanExpo 2013 Norman ReedusFanExpo 2013 Norman Reedus
FanExpo 2012


2. He  would ask me during my Chemo treatments if I remembered "Tiny Daryl Dixon" because he knew it distracted me from the whole CHEMO thing

Tiny Daryl Dixon comes to Chemo


3. He does the Toronto Zombie walk with me..and even lets me get him zombified shouldn never have taught them about the head shot


4. He loves to be a complete doofus

WAIT FOR IT...wait for it...



5. He knows how to use a bow... no really he's been doing this since he was a kid.
more phone photos


6. He can take a joke...even when he's the butt of it...


 7. He loves his weird family unconditionally


photos from phone 08/13



8. He was actually IN Star Wars ( heh well in the digitally remastered version... and was never a Star Wars fan....his 15 seconds of fame)



9. He's completely comfortable with being a Nerd about Astronomy..

...even though he was a rock star



10. He's a home renovation GURU



Most of all because he's one of the kindest most compassionate men I know. :)



8.26.2013

Cancer Chemo Menopause Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) & photographs

Yeah so I joke constantly that I got the one kind of chemo that actually makes you gain weight... except I did. In my fucked up brain there was a part of me that was "Well at least I'll get skinny"...except with breast cancer you don't always.

Initially I lost weight because of the surgery, but that just pout me at what I have in my head as being normal, between 125 and 129... if I go over 129 I get...anxious

I'm 140.
I'm anxious

The 2nd set of three chemos I gained on each one. I wasn't alone another woman asked me if I had because she had...both of us were looking more scared of that than the cancer. SERIOUSLY how fucked up IS that?


My Dr said it's also the fact the body got thrown into menopause, which sucks. I feel like I struggled my entire life to be thin, and now here I am and well fuck you menopause so you are going to have to struggle even harder. Its a cosmic joke. People who tell me just be careful what you eat and work out... yeah. I try but I also have joint pain from the tamoxifen so working out is loads of fun.

I have a love hate relationship with food.  I spent years restricting I spent years purging. I abused laxatives . I pretty much stopped all that when I had my kids... because yeah you cant do that. I seem to spend 1/2 my life figuring out food if not for myself then for everyone else.

I'm sick & tired of caring, part of me wishes I could just say "Fuck it" and just let go... but it's absolute panic for me to see a picture like this
I cant tell you how hard a decision it was to wear a T-shirt at all. I wore because it was part of the story I wanted to share with Norman Reedus, and because a friend made it for me to help me get through chemo and that was important. BUT what I wanted to wear was a tent, l  bat winged shirt and full length skirt something to hide in. I wore my mask in the photo- op..becuase I dont wanna look at me


Now heres the rub I can look at all kinds of women at all kinds of weight and see how fucking beautiful they are. I don't look at women  people and think at all about how thin or fat they are I can look through it to the person for everyone... except me

When I was at my smallest when I was 20, and still deep in body abuse I saw exactly the same thing as I see when I look at this picture. Its what I always see, and I have to remind myself of that everyday. But man it gets depressing to have to try and tell yourself you are not exactly  what you see.

I dont know what the point of this post was except to hopefully express something others may feel



8.17.2013

Wolf mask

Wolf-1 by wickeddollz
Wolf-1, a photo by wickeddollz on Flickr.

8.12.2013

I am sad...

I'm sad... I'm always sad, at least a little bit.
I can go along OK. well lets face it I can fake it  for a while then bam get hit with it for the stupidest reason.
I don't want to be back on antidepressants, I don't want to have to consciously access an emotion.

I know part of it is grief. I know part of it is just dealing with cancer.
I know part of it is just how I'm hard wired.

I know I'm just tired.

I'm tired of  fighting the good fight. I'm tired of making a point about women's rights and having to deal with my "friends" who immediately have to say "WELL WHAT ABOUT ______ isn't that important?" I'm tired of navigating through language so that it makes every possible subset feel they are supported. I'm tired of having to explain that if it isn't what you do, then you don't need to feel you are being pointed at, ya just need to be aware it's going on.

I'm tired of hearing about all the woo. I'm tired of everyone knowing everything about every way we get any disease because they read somewhere coffee enemas cure cancer ( or add any wonderful thing about curing cancer/ supporting your immune system, it's pretty much all bogus...Your IMMUNE SYSTEM doesn't a) give you cancer if it's not strong enough, or b) fight cancer if it's really strong You misheard, misread or didn't listen to what immunology research is talking about!)... they don't BTW they are simply a waste of good coffee.

I'm tired of being told about my cancer. I'm tired of people poo pooing my concerns that it may be genetic, because "Well it was post menopausal in your mother & grandmother" Oh yeah? Really I shouldn't worry because your degree in oncology came from? Oh no sorry you have a degree in genetics? oh no not that either..well its funny because my Oncologist recommended the genetic testing. SO instead of making yourself feel better by telling me , I shouldn't worry, just say "WOW that sucks I'm sorry you have to do this." Actually thats pretty much what you should say to anyone dealing with cancer of any kind ever. Basically stop making sick people say/do shit to make it easier for you to deal with it.

I'm tried of dealing with everyone else grief. I'm sorry I'd love to feel badly for you, but I'm too busy trying not to drown over here. In the words of "Red" in Sahwshank Redemption , "Either get busy living or get busy dying." Feel as badly as you want just know the universe of grief does not revolve around you. We are each the center of our own grief, and it's all as horrible as the other.

In closing I am tired...and sad... just sad