zombie pin up done

zombie pin up done by wickeddollz
zombie pin up done, a photo by wickeddollz on Flickr.

zombie pin up2a\b

zombie pin up2a\b by wickeddollz
zombie pin up2a\b, a photo by wickeddollz on Flickr.

Zombie Pin Up wip

Zombie Pin Up wip by wickeddollz
Zombie Pin Up wip, a photo by wickeddollz on Flickr.

just a little something I'm working on


A Very Special Walking Dead Xmas starring Tiny Daryl Dixon

Just me playing around while trying to stave off the pre-Chemo anxiety. Hope its fun for ya'll


have your self a tiny daryl dixon

have your self a tiny daryl dixon
just messing around with props for a possible stop-mo thing




Remember in high school when people would just hand you a mixed tape? Half the music was recorded off the radio with a snippet of commercial still there LOL!I found some of my fave bands that way and shared some things other people would never have listen with out me. I bought more albums from hearing one or two songs off a mixed tape than any advertisements ever made me buy.

wanna save the music industry share good music! ( support living artists, because the dead ones...and the record companies don't need the cash)

I loved making , and still do love making "tapes" for people mood music or just car tunes to play loud.

(usually I sling em on a usb key now, but I love it when I can find an old cassette case and make cover art for it pop the key in there)

 I need suggestions for new music to listen to. :) come on people you know you wanna share all your favourite musics. I am a bass head, I like almost everything ( no RUSH please :P Poor hubby) from Abba to Skrillex  gimme your best shot!

If you make me a play list I'll make one for you!
( we can just exchange the lists or I can post them here for people no need to mail stuff around the planet)


SO yeah haven't updated in a while...

so yeah..

 1st off this happened ...which sucked

Douchebaggery with auctions & stuff

I will probably re-list the auction this week , if I get the chance.

2nd I hit my mid way point on Chemo Treatments ...so YAY! only 3 more to go!

3rd got hit with the information that my Radiation treatment will be 6 weeks long, EVERYDAY (except weekends) which kinda hit me like a ton of bricks... its about an hour for me to drive there and and hour back. So now I need to look into rides to and from. oh and theres a cornucopia of side effects for that too... but hey... I'm getting good at negotiating them.
AND I get at least two tiny tattoos out of it... which may or may not convince me to get my tattoo at the end of all of this.

4th they had another summit on my situation with the lymph nodes. Neither of my Oncologists were involved in the original hospital wide summit so they wanted to know why the decision had been made and to voice their opinion. So the new decision is that the Cost is more than the Benefit of removing all the lymph nodes... I fall in this really weird voer 40 but not menopausal group there have been numerous new studies on...so the standard of care has changed. So yay no more surgery, no drain in my arm for 33-6 weeks, lower chance of lymphodemia  ... but

you knew there'd be one didn't you?

There are no blood tests that can be done for breast cancer, yearly mammograms are standard of treatment, they don't do yearly CT Scans or anything like that because they don't show up anything significant, and probably aren't good for you that often. So basically one now lives with the sword of Damocles over ones head for the next 5-10 years.... because

and you knew this was coming didn't you

IF breast cancer comes back somewhere else (metastasized) you are pretty much fucked. 
They can control it , and manage it... but yeah your cure rate drops.  sooo..fun times

SO I don't want to end on a down note!! No surgery seems the best option, and as a painter it was 
worrying to up the risk of not having use of that hand! My other meds seem to be helping with side effects
although depression has been an issues.
People love me and are sending me things that make me happy

Tiny Daryl Dixon still comes to Chemo with me... the nurses look a little funny at me but the hubby actually said "Wheres TDD, you did bring him right?" and pulled him out of my bag for me. The Hubby loves me   He also shows me pictures of my tiny new nephew he knows to distract me

things are getting better
now if Norman would just follow me back it's
@wickeddollz I'm like the easiest person to stalk on the web :P


Wholly Chit Norman Reedus tweeted one of my caner videos... and thanks.

well that was interesting....

Norman Reedus tweeted my video about Chemo out to the net

Thanks Norman it was appreciated!  ( even if you still don't follow me... snerk)

to show my appreciation to all the lovelies who then took the time to say "(((HUGS))" or "FUCKCANCER" or nice hair ( It's almost gone btw)  I have decided to participate in Nibblefest this month.

Nibblefest is a monthly themed art contest. Contests run from the 20th to the 27th of every month. All artwork is listed on eBay.com at 99¢ no reserve!

( my ebay is  wicked_dollz )

 the "theme" this month was FANTASY...and well between the zombies, and the fact I know ya'll are a little perverted ( in a good way) I figured Daryl Dixon was as good a fantasy as any ;).
I wanted to do this as a little "Thank You" for all the luvs. I really cant see me making many more Tiny Daryl Dixons atm, he kinda work intensive. So I'm going to do a quick mixed media 
(here's the preliminary)

 I will add images as it progresses.

I'll post here and on twitter when the auction begins. I'm not keeping any of the proceeds, the money raised by this auction will go to the Canadian Cancer Society.
 SUPPORT LIVING ARTISTS ... BECUASE THE DEAD ONES DON'T NEED THE CASH So again thank you and stay posted for more information. 
you can follow me on twitter  if you are so inclined @wickeddollz



Some days are shittier than others.
Some days I can bad ass my way through
...and some days you go to take a bath  to wash the itch out of your scalp and end up feeling like BrundleFly.

I knew it was coming, thought I had more time, but been preparing myself for losing my hair.
But now that its here... there is no preparing I suppose.

Just feels like every time I get through something, and think OK good I'm stronger than this shit, I get smacked down again.

I just want my hair clippers , I just want to shave it off.

Breast cancer Scars now wtih gold leaf

DSC03978 by wickeddollz
DSC03978, a photo by wickeddollz on Flickr.

still working n this but added the gold leaf today


I guess I'm just not a fuck cancer kinda gal

*WARNING this is MY experience you should not feel this way nor am I suggesting it is the correct way only that this is my journey through the disease and the things I need to do to get there

I'm not a FUCK CANCER kinda gal...sorry.. I'm just not.

I'm not that  scared or that self absorbed. Don't get me wrong I'm PLENTY self absorbed. But I can't make this about the CANCER...maybe I am more self absorbed.

Cancer is not my enemy its just a disease, it's not a monster its just a disease it only has the power over me that any disease or illness has.... at least my cancer is.

My cancer is beatable. Since day one we've talked about cure. I know what I have to do to beat it and that's what were doing. It sucks... I mean it really sucks. Last week was side effects-palooza and I'm only just feeling better...but that's one month down.

 I don't want to do it, but I have to. I sit and think sometimes... and cry...and then I put on the big girl panties and get it done... because that's what you  do.

I tend to like Hitchen's quote ( and I'm badly paraphrasing here)

"People talk about fighting cancer, but its the most passive fight I've ever been in."

 That's how I feel.

I am doing what I need to do. I don't need to tell everyone everyday how fucking mad I am ( mainly because mostly I'm not) I don't need to incessantly remind everyone that I have cancer ( maybe because I have specific good friends I can vent to, and I blog...I don't know.) I don't need to be told by people everywhere all the time they are thinking.about me, not that I don't like it on occasion, but ya know.

Maybe its because I'm over 40? Maybe its because I grew up being a sick kid? (hospitals are relatively normal for me.) Maybe it's just  me, I only want to be the centre of attention with my own strict limitations. I have always said I'm better with insults than praise.

Maybe its because I have no fear. I am not "Fighting for my fucking life"...that's something else . I am working to be well again.  But I have a good prognosis, so maybe that's easier for me. I don't know.

Its exhausting to watch people who are flying madly off in all directions.( not specific people just people I see in general) I don't have the energy to do that. I am putting one foot in front of the other plodding along getting through one thing at a time. Eye on the prize. I am a work horse not a race horse I suppose. I don't have the energy to watch it, or support it. Maybe I really am far more self absorbed than I thought.  except no...

I am not the only person with cancer, with breast cancer... with any kind of cancer. But breast cancer especially there are so many others other sisters who have it , some better off than me some worse off than me. My grand mother, my mother  friends... thousands of us all doing what we need to do.

I am not special. I am uniquely aware of how lucky I am to live where I am, when I am. I'm also living with someone I love having a stage 4 cancer that is... well harder to treat would be the best way to put it. So it's hard for me to feel too sorry for myself. ( not that I don't indulge occasionally)

Anyway I have to walk away from the flailing people occasionally, I don't know how deep the water is they are swimming in  but I know if I swim out to try & help them they are going to pull me under. Let stronger swimmers than I help them :) For now I just wanna dog paddle to the shallow end and float m on my back staring at the stars.

Madonna Breast Cancer scars painting WIP

Madonna by wickeddollz
Madonna, a photo by wickeddollz on Flickr.

I fecking hate painting hands... this looks better in person than on film, the breast seems to be more affected by gravity in a real world viewing... heh in both real worlds actually ... da boom tish!

why did I put a hand in this?


Yesterday was Chemo Day #1

One down five to go!

So the process it pretty much what's expected I suppose

Arrive, get checked in talk to various people like intake nurse, social worker, dietician.
Then I get taken to a private place to get the vapor-lock catheter what-cha-ma-dooy thing inserted into my arm. They put the tourniquet on & wrap your arm in heating pads, find a good vein and then stab you...

The nurse was trying to calm me down by talking about "going to your happy place"..like a beach with warm water...my barin was saying FUCK JUST GET IT DONE WITH... I hate the happy place thing...  it doesnt distract me, but is probably good for most people.

Next time I'm bringin headphones Rob Zombie, Skrillex, AWOL really lound and "Tiny Daryl Dixion" who will shoot bolts at anyone who is pissing me off

                  see more Tiny Daryl Dixion on my flickr account if you are interested

Then it's off to the group room to get hooked up to The Machine that goes Bing... I mean the infusion pump. It's not terribly painful, ut I did say OUCH every time it got turned on. First they start you on some saline, then your pre chemo meds ( they didn't tell me whats in that but I think they got I wanted the FLIGHT super power not one of the stupid ones like controlling the animals of the sea)  I'm doing FEC which is a combination of 3 different drugs. Two of which are "pushed" by a nurse becuase it has to be done very slowly, I think it total it took maybe 1/2 he to 45 mins of her having to sit with me pushing the giant syringe of BRIGHT FUSHIA ( ok more red than fushia , but I like fushia better) liquid then another clear one. Then they put the bag of whatever the other chemo drug in that doesn't need as close monitoring.... finally they flush you out with more Saline ( I gain 4 lbs without eating anthing all day that day...I think it was all the fluids)

The the over worked pharmacist showed up, I assume he's over worked because he look fed up and was pretty much all about speaking as quickly as possible about what to take when and get out of there, told me the basics and sent me home. We ended up back at the pharmacy where I had originally gotten my prescriptions to straighten out all the details.

Most of my meds are for nausea, and seem to be working. It comes & goes but so far the meds have staved off any actual vomiting.
Other interesting side effects noticed so far are:
*Tingling arms..like you slept with them under you & cut off the circulation
*Extreme fatigue
* some weird pains
*Metalic taste
* BRIGHT RED PEE ( well this is dissipating quickly & expected. I'm suppose to drink 8-12 glasses of liquid a day..and it cant all be coffee)

All in all I was in the chemo center from 11:30 am till 4:00 ( ish) pm
My second day has been relatively good so far.

OH AND MY BRAND SPANKIN NEW BABY NEPHEW WAS BORN @4:30AM MY FIRST DAY OF CHEMO... I am never gonna forget this kids birthday
                                      Maclomb Jeffery Gary Hunt 7lbs 6 oz

Tiny Daryl Dixon

Tiny Daryl Dixon by wickeddollz
Tiny Daryl Dixon, a photo by wickeddollz on Flickr.
Tiny Darryl Dixon harassing me to make a Tiny Murphy MacManus who will only harras me to make a Tiny Connor MacManus...then they'll all start buggin me to make all the Walking dead & Boondock Saints characters... I mean really where DOEs one draw the line??? Il Duce? Rocco? T-Dog? Rick?
(is anyone else worried I look like my grandmother?)


Time for CANCER UPDATE with yours truly

Get ready fo some 'INFOMATION!'

First off Whats up with this tumor eh?

Well it was : average sized 2.1cm invasive ductal cancer
 95%  estrogen Receptor
 95% Progesterone Receptor
but NO HER-2 Receptor. (Thats a good thing)

Grade: 1 slow growing (good thing)

 NO  Lymphovascular invasion(tumor cells seen in the vessels of the tumour) (thats also a good thing)

Margins (was all the caner removed) : Clear ( again good thing)

DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma in Situ)- "pre-invasive cancer" - yes , sample had lobular carcinoma in situ
( not great but thats one of the reasons we're doing chemo so that the little fuckers wont turn into cancer!)

Secondly what are we now going to do? also known as BRING ON THE NEEDLES

 yeah so they are starting me on my chemo regime either next week (Sept 24th-29th) or the following week (Oct 1st-6th) depending on when I get over this damned cold and all the other usual administrative stuff.

I have a Chemo Teaching class first ...which I assume means they are going to teach me not me teaching someone else ;)

My chemo will be in 6 doeses given once every 3 weeks, so aprox 18 weeks of Chemo

The first 3 are FEC (See more about FEC here)  this Chemo is given over 90 mins

this is where the vast majority of the side effect will be seen

The Last 3 Cycles of Chemo are given with one chemotherapy called Taxotere (see more on Taxotere here)

There is also an injection given (Neulasta/Neupogen) after these treatments to boost white blood cells

SO MUCH FUN, you can read through the links for the side effects , but I am suppose to be picking out my wig. I have stopped working at this point because HEY it's cold and flu season and working in retail is only slightly less infectious that working in education or health! Even though I am a BAD ASS I cant really risk being defeated by the freakin germs.

Yeah I hang with Daryl Dixon... I mean Norman Reedus Hey I've even held a cross bow!

After I finish with the chemo I am assuming I will get a small rest before they do the 2nd surgery to remove the rest of my Lymph nodes from my right arm.  This is the best treatment but I am far from thrilled with having to do this. It can cause Lymphedema ... only 10% chance.... but anyway a fear is a fear is a fear, and for a right handed artist... yeah it's a fear.

After some time to recover from the surgery they will start Radiation treatments which is usually 4-5 weeks.

They also want me to go for genetic testing.

yeah so really.... 6 months to a year of treatment all in all

Start knitting me cool hats People ...how can I be a bald bass ass without a cool hat! well that... and it gets fucking cold here in winter.



Today I am walking around my house picking things up and putting them down.

Today I am crying

Today I have not slept, I cannot eat

Today is not about my cancer

Today is about the cancer of someone I love

Today is about the fucking cancer that is killing someone I love

Today is making a folder of all the pictures I have of the person I love

so that their unborn child will somehow know a little of them

Today is what do I do with all this?

Today is how do I get to the next moment?

Today is I'll live and you'll die... and neither of us did anything to deserve this... and how do I keep moving forward

Today is breathing in and breathing out


Cancer part 5: And the Beat Goes On...

Yesterday was pathology report day...

yeah, not the news we were hoping for.

The tumor was 2.1 cm by 2 cm, so slightly larger than we originally though , but still in the T1

The hormone receptor test had not be returned...for some odd reason , everyone was annoyed & angry about ( it's been a month), so they cant really stage the cancer. They don't know how aggressive it is , and cannot make any decisions about what hormonal type treat, if any, should be initiated... yay.

Of the 3 lymph nodes they took , one had a wee bit of cancer, and the other had a significant amount of cancer in it... yeeeah... so not good. ( not a death sentence btw they are still very positive about treatment , just to be clear)

SO at the moment we are looking at Chemo, and Radiation treatments.

But the kicker, well for me anyway, remember they said there was a 10% chance of having to go back in... yeah, Lucky me I'm in that 10 %. Or might be... apparently it's a little complicated in my age group.

IF I was in my 20's there would be no question, go back in take more lymph nodes
IF I was in my 70's there would be no question leave everything as it is

because of my age (48 for anyone who doesn't know), and because I am not in menopause there has been new studies showing that there may be evidence that having the chemo already blast the cancer in the lymph nodes so that removal may be overkill ( for lack of me having a better word) and the various side effects may be worse ( edema: my arm swelling up being very high up in those ) if the chemo is already doing it's job of killing off the cancer cells.

HOWEVER... we don't have 20 years of research/evidence about this.

I wait again.

The surgeons will be having a group meeting to discuss my situation...well not JUST me but anyone in a situation like this regarding surgery cancer etc.  My surgeon is not a gung-ho "LET CUT" type of surgeon,  therefore I am very comfortable with her recommendations.


I was hoping I wouldn't have to even think about more surgery.

I am so fucking sick of being in pain.

I am worried about losing my eyelashes, I already have blond eyelashes I look like a new born baby mouse without mascara .. and I am a little vain... I mean I'm not raging beauty, but hey I like my eyes.

I am worried about other side effects, like fatigue, nausea, and emotional swings.

I am worried of the hormone drugs ( assuming I'll have to take the Tamoxifen) putting me into Menopause, we don't deal with that thing all that well when it's natural... not sure how I'll deal with it suddenly being forced on me.

I am worried about all the needles.... I so fucking hate needles.... really really.... just... yeah

I am not worried about losing my hair, I've shaved my head too many times for that. I already plan to cut it very short & dye it bright pink with purple leopard spots before treatment starts.

I have learned not to suck it up anymore. I asked for a prescription for Ativan to get me through the test, and treatments I need to have. I have concluded the military are not going to call  me up and give me an award for "being brave & muscling through" so fuck it.

The next steps I have are a CT scan, and a Bone scan, which I should be getting an appointment for hopefully next week, I go back Sept  4th to see the surgeon about if we go back in, and I should be getting a call from the Oncologist to set up to talk about and begin the Chemo etc.

I wish I could have made this post funny or poignant, mostly it just feels sad


...and now for something completely different

This post is not cancer related.... WOT?!

Yeah I know but even those of us dealing with still have to live the other parts of our lives. This post is about art and rejection and realizations. I'm doing a lot of that lately, having "realizations" shrug guess its just the phase I am in at the moment.

So a friend linked me to a gallery relatively near me who specifically deal with doll art. WOW amazing!  AND they are having a show,AND they are  asking for submissions! Wholly chit! I mean lately... like most of this year things have been difficult , and I really haven't been doing much art, or working on my art site. I had burned myself out trying to self promote and create and with issues like well not having ANY money coming in I went out and got me a paying job. Art had kind of taken a back seat. This has happened before I have artistic jags where I'm painting constantly creating constantly then I get burnt out and just STOP.

Anyway I digress, this seemed a perfect opportunity to get some excitement back into my artistic life, so I submitted my "Nasty Toys for Naughty Children" series :

"Nasty Toys for Naughty Children Series" is part of a larger project called "Dime Store Dollies" where I take cheap dollar store dolls, which are quick discarded by children, or dolls from Charity Shops , which have already been discarded and turn them into something that is strangely beautiful.
Nasty Toys for naught Children is the darker side of this project, dealing with all the things that "Go bump in the Night!" Many people have an innate fear of dolls, so moving them past the realm of just creepy by accident I try & create the "Creepy cute" feeling that makes the viewer go " awe that's...wait what???"

Only dolls that have already been discarded or disposable dollar store dolls are used in this project. I work only with dolls that are in great need of help! Each doll is primed and then hand painted with artist̢۪s acrylics. No two dolls are ever exactly alike, even if the basic theme is repeated.

These dolls are intended as ART and will not stand up to play. They are not safe as children's toys


Ive worked on this series sporadically for a couple of years now whenever I can find the type of dolls I like to work with. All in all I love this project it completely works with my sick sense of humour.

Other people seem not to quite "Get it" or at least that's the basic response any time I've tried to get into a show or get a show at all...either the standard rejection letter, or deafening silence. Either way it can wear ya down, and I had decided after this last attempt that maybe I should just give up on it.Sell who ever I had lying around to whomever for whatever and just pack it in.

The there was a flood in my basement... where my makeshift studio/storage area is (it's also where my daughter bedroom is).  Spent a large part of the day cleaning frantically trying to minimize any damage to the floor etc. ( all seems pretty good) While doing this  i had to relocate some of my art, including my dolls. As I was putting things on shelves I realized something.

                                             THESE ARE FUCKING AWESOME

and also that I have more unpainted/blank dolls hanging out waiting to be wick-i-fied !!!  I am back to planning things to do with the ones I have , and scouting for old discarded dolls that sit unloved and messed up. A Steam punk baby is drying in my garage waiting to take on her new life.

I may never get a show. I may never have anyone "Get" what I'm doing... but to quote a friend of mine "So cocking well what!" I love them, and ya know what... they are GOOD.

Snobbery about  the fact they are "altered" as apposed to wholly created from scratch, or that they are not serious will always be part of what I'm dealing with.. but I guess they are kind of missing the point...

That kind of thing is exactly what I'm thumbing my nose at. :P


cancer part 4:"Hi how are you today?" surgery day description

So first I should apologize  for not posting about this sooner as I had promised. But basically I didn't feel like it... therefore it didn't happen. I am a lazy ass artist, and a lazy ass blogger, shrug it is part of me.

Surgery day started early I woke up before 7 and FORTUNATELY was able to have black coffee because it was more than 4 hours before the scheduled  surgery time. I'm not sure how pleasant I would have been if I hadn't been allowed my coffee.  I am an addict I fully admit this.

 Paul & I arrived slightly before my appointment at 8 AM. I am also always early almost pathologically especially for appointments. We were warned that this was going to be a long day , to bring things to do and snacks for Paul. We had the laptop with firefly cued up on it ( I had thought it would be funnier to watch episodes of  "the Big C" , but decided that maybe others wouldn't share my (sick) sense of humor.)

" How are you doing today"
8:00 ish I was registered and sent back to wait  for the admitting nurse to take me to Ultra sound.

8:30 ish "Hi how are you today?".. .the nurse gave me the uber-attractive  hospital gown ,and one to go over top of that like a robe. I got to keep my sweat pants socks & Birkenstocks on .I CUT A DASHING FIGURE I TELL YOU! sent me to change and  then I sat to wait to get the ultra sound done.

Time gets a bit waffely from here on in. As I have said previously I am almost phobic about injections, I was also stressed out and teary because people were about to cut something out of my body.We waited for a little bit but not too long,all this stuff was preset.

I was sent into the ultra sound room, and the technician asked "How are you today?" ...
"I have cancer and someone is about to cut something out of my body... how are you?"

OK no I didn't say that I just started leaking. When I am stressed I cry, when I am angry I cry , and when I'm scared... yeah I cry. I don't want to I try not to do it but it happens anyway... so yeah my response was simply to tear up. This seemed to baffle the technician ( a woman btw, just in case you had some sexist idea about insensitivity being the domain of men.) She told me it was all going to be ok. ( yep.) But kept reminding me I was having the ultrasound AND an injection... like I was going to forget that bit

After she did the initial ultra sound the Radiologist arrives to insert the guide wire into my breast "Hi how are you today?"  "OK PEOPLE SERIOUSLY FUCK OFF! I'm doing the best I can." again I only really said the latter part. He explains the while going to freeze the breast ( YAY injections!!!) then insert a thin wire with a hook on the end into the tumor(area) (ASIDE: sorry I know explaining things is important & necessary but really this makes me slightly nauseous) He froze me up, which is never as painful as I think it's going to be, but still not something one would do for fun. The funniest thing was that with a big fat sharpie pen he made a GIANT X on my boob...so he knew where to place things. I decided not to "suck it up" as usual and when he asked if the pain was sharp or a pushing I let him know "Sharp!"..more freezing  ( this become important shortly)  Froze up, guide wired up, and wrapped and taped so nothing will shift I head back to to ANOTHER waiting room.

Hey lookit that one of those RADIATION danger signs.... yep off to get the radioactive isotopes injected into my breast! Not sure the rest of the waiting room was as amused by my joking with the hubby about which super powers I was hoping for, but that's how we roll in my world! The technician (honestly I don't know if she was a nurse or Dr. or what so anyone who I don't know their specific job title is simply called a technician.) was sweet and kind..but still asked "How are you today"...grrrrr

She began slowly carefully started explaining to me why the radioactive stuff was "safe"... he face was shocked ( and a little hilarious...I know I have a sick sense of humour)  when I looked at her and said   "I'm not scared of the radiation part , I get it. I just hate injections...HATE INJECTIONS!" she laughed and just got everything ready. NOW remember I said the extra freezing would play into thing again? Well you guessed it, this was THE most painless part! awesome...I recommend being a wimp and getting more freezing!

BACK to the day surgery waiting room... and wait...and wait ..and wait...all of this happened between 8 am and about 10:30 am, my surgery was scheduled for 12:45. So a little before 12:30 I finally got called... and went to wait in the OR waiting room ( giggle)

I met my surgeon ( again) "Hi how are you?"
I met the anesthetist   "Hi how are you"
I met the surgical nurse "hi how are you, we need to fill out this paper work"

kissed the hubby goodbye and walked into the Operating room.  Then things moved fast, up on the table, thins arm goes here , were putting the IV in ( FUCKING OW!! OW OW!!) "wait what ? yes that's me yes that's what were doing, wow this drug is working fast... "Noelle you have to keep your eyes open..." "Oh Ok.... wa?"  ( just an interesting thing I realized days after surgery EVERYONE in the operating room was female.)

next thing I remember is waking up in recover wondering why my throat hurt... the remembering where I was and why I was there. My throat hurting surprised me, I guess I forgot I'd need to be intubated.
Also my arm and breast hurt horribly, but I was expecting that...well when I remembered where I was. Morphine time,   PAUSE to say modern medicine is a wonderful thing.

When I was a little more awake & comfortable I was move to the 2 nd recovery room. I was kept there for awhile... longer than I thought I would be, and no one brought me the hubby, not until I was ready to go home. Which kinda bugged me , everyone else had someone with them, & I knew he'd be worried.
My Dr stopped by and told me everything went well, and I would see her in a week.

They gave me instruction/a prescription for pain medication got me a wheel chair to get to the exit, and sent me home to my own bed.  that was around 4:00 or 4:30

so yep it was a long day...

SO....... hi how are you?


Cancer Part 3: Realizations

You know what hit me today , or perhaps yesterday...yesterday was a bad day.
I have cancer
yeah I know... " isn't that what you've been on about for a while now???" but it hit me as reality. This is not simply something I'm having removed. The surgery?  yeah that's just the beginning of this adventure. I've been working so hard on being positive, on being blase' about the whole thing.... I mean hell why SHOULDN'T I be? My mother had it & survived, my grandmother had it and survived, friends have had it and survived, the Medical community is talking cure my outlook is pretty damned bright.

and yet

Part of me has been in a kind of denial about what all this means. Part of me kinda thought about the surgery like having your tonsil removed, all done a bit of pain but in the end you can eat all the ice cream you want! We all know that old chestnut, and what it really meant.

Surgery itself is not the end, it's not the cure, it's only part of the cure. I will still need other treatment. They cant tell me what yet because nothing comes back from the pathologist for a while ( 4 more weeks of waiting for results) not that anything could begin right away, there is no delay in treatment my body has to recover from the surgery before I can being any of the other treatments.

SO... what treatments you may ask. Well it could be radiation, and tamoxifen , it could be chemo & radiation or any combination of the aforementioned. There is even a 10% chance of having to go back for more surgery IF the margins are not clear or they are worried about other lymph nodes ... but that's only 10% ....90% chance of that not happening. ANY of the treatments will have side effects, the least of which will be being tired, and if that tired is anything like it's been lately.... you are fucking tired.

I KNOW my prognosis is good, I know they know what to do with this disease and I know that my chances of being around to pester you all for along time yet is really really good.
BUT I also know I have cancer and that all the ice cream in the world doesn't change that.

I'll do a run down later of what the day of surgery entailed , and how recovering is going but for now this is most on my mind...so this is what you get.


Tomorrow is surgery

Well it's felt like an eternity , but now it's finally the eve of my surgery. I am feeling anxious  of course , probably more about all the freaking sticks I'll have to have tomorrow than about the cancer itself. There is a surreal quality to the whole thing.

I mean if someone hadn't said HEY there's this thing in your body that will try and kill you"  you'd never know because you don't FEEL different.

People keep saying to me "Oh you look great though"..um yeah that's because nothing has changed since the last time you saw except I now KNOW that something is wrong. You don't start to look shitty till you are getting treatment.

Another weird thing is the fact you seem to spend a great deal of time making other people feel better about your disease. Its amazing the amount of reassuring I've been doing to everyone else...well not everyone there are those in my inner circle who know what is what and I never feel I have to "cheer them up about it"

I even had one person who refused to accept the term "Cancer"... lol... no really . I was making a joke like "You cant be mad at me! I have CANCER" and they started to lose it. "No you don't!"  Um yes... yes I do.
Let me put it to you THIS way. I have "A CANCER" in my breast. It's there it's not like they aren't sure about it, it is what it is , and now we treat it.

I just want to say if you know someone who is going through treatment, don't do that. Don't deny them they ability to joke about it. Honestly when I do it I hear the voice of Jack Sparrow only instead of "Pirate." I hear "Cancer." We need, ALL OF US, to laugh about things... especially things that scare the ever living fuck out of us. Because ( and I know one should never start a sentence with because) sometimes if you cant laugh you are going to cry, and we all do enough of that.

I'm not going to die (well not yet anyway, and not of this). They are talking cure. I am listening to my Dr.'s  I am doing all the things I need to do to be healthy.

 SO what have they done so far?
1. mammogram
2. another mammogram & Ultrasound
3. Ultrasound & biopsy
4. results scheduled surgery:
5. MRI of both breast to check nothing has been missed
6. Pre-Operative check up including blood work & chest X-ray
7. Another ultra sound to make sure the thing they saw on the left breast ( the right is where the tumor is) was not something to be worried about. (#7 is about as close as I get to praying..mostly consisted of the mantra of "Please let everything fine" repeated in my head ad nauseum. Everything is fine btw)

Next up surgery! What are they going to do?
Well I have to show up at 8:00 am to start the day ( I can still have coffee just no milk..yay!), my surgery is scheduled for 12:45... so lots of sitting & waiting.
They have to shoot me full of blue dye, which apparently will make me look quite grey/blue in tone.I have had to warn people so that they wont be worried about my colour... especially as I am pigmentally challenged anyway... HEY I WILL BE A BLUE BLOOD! take that social ladder!
The blue dye is used to tint the lymph nodes so they can grab one or two to biopsy and see if any spread of cancer cells has happened.
I also get the added component of having a guide wire inserted so that the surgeon is sure exactly where the tiny tumor is . As scary as that sounds it's actually a good thing because that's how small it is  :D They are taking an egg shaped area  so that healthy tissue surrounds the tiny tumor, a lumpectomy, or as the medically call it a "partial mastectomy"  which sounds WAY scarier but means exactly the same thing.

I should be coming back home around 4:30 pm. I then have 2 weeks of convalescence, hopefully I'll be up and around in a couple of days. I am suppose to get the results of the lymph node biopsy in about 1- 1 1/2 weeks and then we will discuss any further treatment I will need. Basically if it's Radiation or Chemo, that all depends on the lymph nodes.

OK so now you are all up to date!


Cancer Part1: in which my boobies are trying to kill me

So I have been dealing with this for the last little while, and I have finally managed to contact most of my family & real life friends  to tell them  person to person. SO now dear friends & readers I begin my story for you all.

I finally screwed up my courage to go get my mammogram about a month ago. I've know for ages that I should be having them regularly as breast cancer is in my immediate family. YA know what... I don't even know why I put it off as long as I did. Really we have GOT to stop telling women horror stories about what they are like. Uncomfortable yes, and you have to get pretty intimate with your technician  but seriously if you've been a girl for any length of time one gets used to being handled by medical people, it just part of having the equipment we have! So anyway my initial mammogram was over & done , and other than having one boob larger than the other it all seemed well & good. Then I got a phone call a couple of weeks later...

dun dun dun duuuuuuh

 Well not yet really, "we just cant see something clearly ,can you come back in for another mammogram & an ultra sound" So off I pop to get another one done.This one was a "Cone" ultrasound so more uncomfortable but still they are so fast that really ya just get through it. The ultrasound is a breeze although you are covered in goo... but the relaxed attitude is a little less evident in the people around you. Still you go home and wait. The next day I got a call from the Breast Health Clinic asking me to come in at 8:30am for another ultrasound and possible biopsy...

and yes this is the time where you lose your shit.

My Dr. had left a message for me with my daughter to call her but somehow this got missed so I was blindsided by this event. The Breast Health Clinic people were excellent and very comforting about the phone call, and managed to arrange for me to come in at a better time, a week later. That seemed like no time at all... until you have to wait for the week to be up. But as I am beginning to teach myself to understand everything is just a moment savour the good ones and find a way to make it through the bad ones, because either way they will eventually be over.

When the day of the ultrasound came I was still holding on to the idea that someone was being over cautious and they were going to laugh & tell me never mind it's all good! I went to the B.H.C. first broke down into tears had a wonderful nurse explain everything to me, a great volunteer take me to the ultra sound, wonderful ultrasound people who did the exam & then took it directly to the radiologist to check it... Instead they came in smiled and said "OK well we'd like to do a biopsy if your OK with that."

Am I OK with that? Hell no! Every part of me wanted to get up and walk... no run out of the room. However I said "Yes" gritted my teeth and waited for them to freeze me up and do it. Now if you know me you know I am PHOBIC about needles, I had so many as a child the absolute terror they inspire in me, well it's bad... it's really bad. But one thing I did learn as a kid was hold still get it over with because if you fight it , they do it again. The Biopsy really wasn't that bad, even the freezing seemed to be less "owie" than I always remember it. It was about 1/2 hr start to finish and I walked out with little more than a band aid, and a bruise. Yeah the boob was sore afterwards, but hell I've pushed a human being out of my body this wasn't that big a deal.

The you talk to the Surgeon. (At the Breast Health Clinic they have everything together so your not waiting around going from appointment to appointment being referred from Dr. to Dr. absolutely the way to do it if one is available to you!) She examined me again told me about the suspected area, and eventually explained what she would do IF it turned out to be cancer. Her speaking so plainly was actually quite comforting, and I left feeling far less traumatized than when I came in. Although I went home & slept for about 5 hrs.

If I thought the week waiting for the appointment was long ... the week waiting to get the results well yeah THAT was LONG.

This past Tuesday my hubby & I went to the B.H.C. for the results of the biopsy. More moments to live through but we joked and waited and held hands and waited and when she finally said "I just want to examine you one more time" and then said "Get dressed so we can have a talk." That's when I knew it wasn't going to be an "Well boy did we overreact!" talk. Ya know what I was still OK.

SO what I have is ductal cancer it is very small, so we got it really early. I have surgery planned for the 26th of July. They are going to do a lumpectomy taking out the tumour and a margin of healthy tissue around the tumor. They are also going to give me radioisotopes ( I was really hoping that my superpower was going to be flight!... but my physics friend has informed me even if it was delivered by radioactive spider I wouldn't get superpowers...BOOO) and a blue dye  so they can find the lymph nodes under my arm and take at least one of those too. Then everything gets biopsy again and we decided what follow up treatment is most appropriate.

The good news is they have actually been using the word CURE, not control, not live with... but CURE. So your not rid of me yet folks! I'm going to try to blog about this, because if I can make one woman less afraid , make one woman go get checked out so she can find it SOONER then that's a difference, a real difference.

I am scared, I fluctuate between, "Meh, it really isn't a big deal" and "It's fucking CANCER" I'm sure I'm not fun to live with atm. But it is a journey I am making, just trying to get through each bad moment remembering it's just that "A moment that passes" and remembering to hang onto all the good ones because we need to savour the good things.


wip 06/06/12 B

wip 06/06/12 B by wickeddollz
wip 06/06/12 B, a photo by wickeddollz on Flickr.

havent painted in AGES stil feeling my way through this



pro-choice means

pro-choice means by wickeddollz
pro-choice means, a photo by wickeddollz on Flickr.