Top 10 Reasons Why my Hubby is as cool as (possiby cooler than ) Norman Reedus...

I'm a little obsessed...I am aware of that :D it's Ok it's all in good fun, and distraction from real life crapola, of which there has been so much.

But I should point out my obsession doesn't negate the fact that my hubby is one cool mutherfucker, and really the only person I truly wanna snuggle with.

With that in mind I give you the Top Ten Reasons Why my Hubby is as cool as Norman Reedus  :P

1. See all these pictures? Yeah my hubby took them (and went to fan Expo 2 years running when he wasn't really interested in most of whats there)

FanExpo 2013FanExpo 2013 Norman Reedus FanExpo 2013 Norman ReedusFanExpo 2013 Norman ReedusFanExpo 2013 Norman ReedusFanExpo 2013 Norman ReedusFanExpo 2013 Norman Reedus
FanExpo 2012

2. He  would ask me during my Chemo treatments if I remembered "Tiny Daryl Dixon" because he knew it distracted me from the whole CHEMO thing

Tiny Daryl Dixon comes to Chemo

3. He does the Toronto Zombie walk with me..and even lets me get him zombified shouldn never have taught them about the head shot

4. He loves to be a complete doofus

WAIT FOR IT...wait for it...

5. He knows how to use a bow... no really he's been doing this since he was a kid.
more phone photos

6. He can take a joke...even when he's the butt of it...

 7. He loves his weird family unconditionally

photos from phone 08/13

8. He was actually IN Star Wars ( heh well in the digitally remastered version... and was never a Star Wars fan....his 15 seconds of fame)

9. He's completely comfortable with being a Nerd about Astronomy..

...even though he was a rock star

10. He's a home renovation GURU

Most of all because he's one of the kindest most compassionate men I know. :)


Cancer Chemo Menopause Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) & photographs

Yeah so I joke constantly that I got the one kind of chemo that actually makes you gain weight... except I did. In my fucked up brain there was a part of me that was "Well at least I'll get skinny"...except with breast cancer you don't always.

Initially I lost weight because of the surgery, but that just pout me at what I have in my head as being normal, between 125 and 129... if I go over 129 I get...anxious

I'm 140.
I'm anxious

The 2nd set of three chemos I gained on each one. I wasn't alone another woman asked me if I had because she had...both of us were looking more scared of that than the cancer. SERIOUSLY how fucked up IS that?

My Dr said it's also the fact the body got thrown into menopause, which sucks. I feel like I struggled my entire life to be thin, and now here I am and well fuck you menopause so you are going to have to struggle even harder. Its a cosmic joke. People who tell me just be careful what you eat and work out... yeah. I try but I also have joint pain from the tamoxifen so working out is loads of fun.

I have a love hate relationship with food.  I spent years restricting I spent years purging. I abused laxatives . I pretty much stopped all that when I had my kids... because yeah you cant do that. I seem to spend 1/2 my life figuring out food if not for myself then for everyone else.

I'm sick & tired of caring, part of me wishes I could just say "Fuck it" and just let go... but it's absolute panic for me to see a picture like this
I cant tell you how hard a decision it was to wear a T-shirt at all. I wore because it was part of the story I wanted to share with Norman Reedus, and because a friend made it for me to help me get through chemo and that was important. BUT what I wanted to wear was a tent, l  bat winged shirt and full length skirt something to hide in. I wore my mask in the photo- op..becuase I dont wanna look at me

Now heres the rub I can look at all kinds of women at all kinds of weight and see how fucking beautiful they are. I don't look at women  people and think at all about how thin or fat they are I can look through it to the person for everyone... except me

When I was at my smallest when I was 20, and still deep in body abuse I saw exactly the same thing as I see when I look at this picture. Its what I always see, and I have to remind myself of that everyday. But man it gets depressing to have to try and tell yourself you are not exactly  what you see.

I dont know what the point of this post was except to hopefully express something others may feel


Wolf mask

Wolf-1 by wickeddollz
Wolf-1, a photo by wickeddollz on Flickr.


I am sad...

I'm sad... I'm always sad, at least a little bit.
I can go along OK. well lets face it I can fake it  for a while then bam get hit with it for the stupidest reason.
I don't want to be back on antidepressants, I don't want to have to consciously access an emotion.

I know part of it is grief. I know part of it is just dealing with cancer.
I know part of it is just how I'm hard wired.

I know I'm just tired.

I'm tired of  fighting the good fight. I'm tired of making a point about women's rights and having to deal with my "friends" who immediately have to say "WELL WHAT ABOUT ______ isn't that important?" I'm tired of navigating through language so that it makes every possible subset feel they are supported. I'm tired of having to explain that if it isn't what you do, then you don't need to feel you are being pointed at, ya just need to be aware it's going on.

I'm tired of hearing about all the woo. I'm tired of everyone knowing everything about every way we get any disease because they read somewhere coffee enemas cure cancer ( or add any wonderful thing about curing cancer/ supporting your immune system, it's pretty much all bogus...Your IMMUNE SYSTEM doesn't a) give you cancer if it's not strong enough, or b) fight cancer if it's really strong You misheard, misread or didn't listen to what immunology research is talking about!)... they don't BTW they are simply a waste of good coffee.

I'm tired of being told about my cancer. I'm tired of people poo pooing my concerns that it may be genetic, because "Well it was post menopausal in your mother & grandmother" Oh yeah? Really I shouldn't worry because your degree in oncology came from? Oh no sorry you have a degree in genetics? oh no not that either..well its funny because my Oncologist recommended the genetic testing. SO instead of making yourself feel better by telling me , I shouldn't worry, just say "WOW that sucks I'm sorry you have to do this." Actually thats pretty much what you should say to anyone dealing with cancer of any kind ever. Basically stop making sick people say/do shit to make it easier for you to deal with it.

I'm tried of dealing with everyone else grief. I'm sorry I'd love to feel badly for you, but I'm too busy trying not to drown over here. In the words of "Red" in Sahwshank Redemption , "Either get busy living or get busy dying." Feel as badly as you want just know the universe of grief does not revolve around you. We are each the center of our own grief, and it's all as horrible as the other.

In closing I am tired...and sad... just sad


daryl dixon mother's day card

My daughter made me this brilliant card for mothers day Daryl Dixon in adventure time style



I feel a lot of guilt

I feel guilty a lot of the time. I feel guilty my invasive treatment is done while others suffer. I feel guilty my BIL died & I'm still fighting. I feel guilty I got to go through radiation, & he didn't make it that far. I feel guilty I have full medical coverage because of the accident of birth while others struggle to pay for treatment. I feel guilty my prognosis is good, while others face their worst fears. It does me no good to feel it, but I do none the less



Ya know what... Lenny Bruce you're not. ( on the people who whine about everything can be made into a joke)

Ya know what... Lenny Bruce you're not. 

Every thing is comic fodder, but simply saying something to be "controversial" or outrageous, is a bullshit excuse for saying something stupid, thoughtless, or bigoted.( a bit like saying "I dont mean to be rude/bigoted/racists/misogynist/mysandrist/homophobic etc etc etc alerts the reader/listener to the fact you are going to say something INCREDIBLY rude/bigoted/racists/misogynist/mysandrist/homophobic etc etc etc ) 

If your going to make 'jokes" about something as controversial as rape you'd better be damn sure at the very least they are funny and is at the very best make an actual political social statement, otherwise whining that "Awe anything can be used for comedy" is simply that whining


Studio Tour 2013

Getting the studio set up 2013Getting the studio set up 2013Getting the studio set up 2013Getting the studio set up 2013Getting the studio set up 2013Getting the studio set up 2013
Getting the studio set up 2013Getting the studio set up 2013Getting the studio set up 2013Getting the studio set up 2013Getting the studio set up 2013Getting the studio set up 2013

Studio Tour 2013, a set on Flickr.


finding a group of cancer survivors when you are a skeptic

This is my story.
8 months ago my Brother in law, who is for all intents & purposes my brother , was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. His wife was pregnant with their first child, although he has a 17 year old son by another relationship.
   We knew exactly how bad this situation is. This also pushed me to get my mammogram done, because there is long history of breast cancer in my family. I refer to this as him saving my life. I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. My prognosis is good.

 I am an atheist, and a skeptic, I need more than anecdotal evidence to accept a "cure" or treatment. I am not open to "sending of good energy" or any of the other esoteric un-provable things people want to inundate you with the moment they hear you are sick. In general I have found it is far more about those people getting "warm fuzzies" about how much they are doing than it is about making you better/feel better, this is not ALWAYS true but often enough to get my dander up when approached by it.
My brother was not the same. Granted he was facing a life ending cancer, there was no one in the medical community who would tell him the had an answer that could cure him. That is simply because at this time, it just doesn't exist. Instead he was taken advantage of (in my opinion) by sometimes well meaning but often charlatans who promoted everything from mistletoe injections, which have no proof of having any more benefit than a placebo, to apricot seed which has been proven to have been a scam of the highest order.

He even traveled to Switzerland... where you can go to clinics who will lie to you about virtually everything, and who will give you "treatments" that are illegal almost everywhere else in the world.
  It took me a long time to accept that he had the right to make the decisions he wanted with his body, and I do honestly believe he, and everyone does have that right. But I will also fight tooth and nail to try and stop this kind of parasitic snake oil sales to go un-challenged. If it stops one person from giving up the incredible precious time they might have left with their family, because that is the incredible loss, that and people being left behind who have to still pay the bills for these pseudo scientific frauds who are praying on the desperate and the scared.

My brother died in January.

 In trying to find any support group for my own grief, and dealing with my own illness, ( partial mastectomy, 6 rounds of chemo therapy, and upcoming 6 weeks of radiation) I have found that there appears to be no where to go for group counseling that is not hip deep in woo. All of them offer courses in all kinds of "Alternative heath options" and when I suggested that I would not sit silently while someone forced their woo upon me I was informed IF I did that i would be asked to leave. I was informed that "everyone has the right to their own journey" and while I agree with that sentiment I in theory, it seems to negate MY ability to have my own journey.  Apparently no one can see that having this forced on me without being able to say "You know that was debunked more than a decade ago" does interfere with MY journey. I am expected to remain in the closet, so to speak, because the possible pain I might cause them is obviously worse than the pain they are causing me.
 This has left me quite alone. I was told to seek individual counseling where I could control the person I was interacting with. This defeats the whole purpose of "Group" counseling. It also reminds me that apparently this is the last minority where it is OK to discriminate and suggest you would not be welcome.
  I am sorry to be so long, and I hope I have made some sense to someone