Wholly Chit Norman Reedus tweeted one of my caner videos... and thanks.

well that was interesting....

Norman Reedus tweeted my video about Chemo out to the net

Thanks Norman it was appreciated!  ( even if you still don't follow me... snerk)

to show my appreciation to all the lovelies who then took the time to say "(((HUGS))" or "FUCKCANCER" or nice hair ( It's almost gone btw)  I have decided to participate in Nibblefest this month.

Nibblefest is a monthly themed art contest. Contests run from the 20th to the 27th of every month. All artwork is listed on eBay.com at 99¢ no reserve!

( my ebay is  wicked_dollz )

 the "theme" this month was FANTASY...and well between the zombies, and the fact I know ya'll are a little perverted ( in a good way) I figured Daryl Dixon was as good a fantasy as any ;).
I wanted to do this as a little "Thank You" for all the luvs. I really cant see me making many more Tiny Daryl Dixons atm, he kinda work intensive. So I'm going to do a quick mixed media 
(here's the preliminary)

 I will add images as it progresses.

I'll post here and on twitter when the auction begins. I'm not keeping any of the proceeds, the money raised by this auction will go to the Canadian Cancer Society.
 SUPPORT LIVING ARTISTS ... BECUASE THE DEAD ONES DON'T NEED THE CASH So again thank you and stay posted for more information. 
you can follow me on twitter  if you are so inclined @wickeddollz



Some days are shittier than others.
Some days I can bad ass my way through
...and some days you go to take a bath  to wash the itch out of your scalp and end up feeling like BrundleFly.

I knew it was coming, thought I had more time, but been preparing myself for losing my hair.
But now that its here... there is no preparing I suppose.

Just feels like every time I get through something, and think OK good I'm stronger than this shit, I get smacked down again.

I just want my hair clippers , I just want to shave it off.

Breast cancer Scars now wtih gold leaf

DSC03978 by wickeddollz
DSC03978, a photo by wickeddollz on Flickr.

still working n this but added the gold leaf today


I guess I'm just not a fuck cancer kinda gal

*WARNING this is MY experience you should not feel this way nor am I suggesting it is the correct way only that this is my journey through the disease and the things I need to do to get there

I'm not a FUCK CANCER kinda gal...sorry.. I'm just not.

I'm not that  scared or that self absorbed. Don't get me wrong I'm PLENTY self absorbed. But I can't make this about the CANCER...maybe I am more self absorbed.

Cancer is not my enemy its just a disease, it's not a monster its just a disease it only has the power over me that any disease or illness has.... at least my cancer is.

My cancer is beatable. Since day one we've talked about cure. I know what I have to do to beat it and that's what were doing. It sucks... I mean it really sucks. Last week was side effects-palooza and I'm only just feeling better...but that's one month down.

 I don't want to do it, but I have to. I sit and think sometimes... and cry...and then I put on the big girl panties and get it done... because that's what you  do.

I tend to like Hitchen's quote ( and I'm badly paraphrasing here)

"People talk about fighting cancer, but its the most passive fight I've ever been in."

 That's how I feel.

I am doing what I need to do. I don't need to tell everyone everyday how fucking mad I am ( mainly because mostly I'm not) I don't need to incessantly remind everyone that I have cancer ( maybe because I have specific good friends I can vent to, and I blog...I don't know.) I don't need to be told by people everywhere all the time they are thinking.about me, not that I don't like it on occasion, but ya know.

Maybe its because I'm over 40? Maybe its because I grew up being a sick kid? (hospitals are relatively normal for me.) Maybe it's just  me, I only want to be the centre of attention with my own strict limitations. I have always said I'm better with insults than praise.

Maybe its because I have no fear. I am not "Fighting for my fucking life"...that's something else . I am working to be well again.  But I have a good prognosis, so maybe that's easier for me. I don't know.

Its exhausting to watch people who are flying madly off in all directions.( not specific people just people I see in general) I don't have the energy to do that. I am putting one foot in front of the other plodding along getting through one thing at a time. Eye on the prize. I am a work horse not a race horse I suppose. I don't have the energy to watch it, or support it. Maybe I really am far more self absorbed than I thought.  except no...

I am not the only person with cancer, with breast cancer... with any kind of cancer. But breast cancer especially there are so many others other sisters who have it , some better off than me some worse off than me. My grand mother, my mother  friends... thousands of us all doing what we need to do.

I am not special. I am uniquely aware of how lucky I am to live where I am, when I am. I'm also living with someone I love having a stage 4 cancer that is... well harder to treat would be the best way to put it. So it's hard for me to feel too sorry for myself. ( not that I don't indulge occasionally)

Anyway I have to walk away from the flailing people occasionally, I don't know how deep the water is they are swimming in  but I know if I swim out to try & help them they are going to pull me under. Let stronger swimmers than I help them :) For now I just wanna dog paddle to the shallow end and float m on my back staring at the stars.

Madonna Breast Cancer scars painting WIP

Madonna by wickeddollz
Madonna, a photo by wickeddollz on Flickr.

I fecking hate painting hands... this looks better in person than on film, the breast seems to be more affected by gravity in a real world viewing... heh in both real worlds actually ... da boom tish!

why did I put a hand in this?


Yesterday was Chemo Day #1

One down five to go!

So the process it pretty much what's expected I suppose

Arrive, get checked in talk to various people like intake nurse, social worker, dietician.
Then I get taken to a private place to get the vapor-lock catheter what-cha-ma-dooy thing inserted into my arm. They put the tourniquet on & wrap your arm in heating pads, find a good vein and then stab you...

The nurse was trying to calm me down by talking about "going to your happy place"..like a beach with warm water...my barin was saying FUCK JUST GET IT DONE WITH... I hate the happy place thing...  it doesnt distract me, but is probably good for most people.

Next time I'm bringin headphones Rob Zombie, Skrillex, AWOL really lound and "Tiny Daryl Dixion" who will shoot bolts at anyone who is pissing me off

                  see more Tiny Daryl Dixion on my flickr account if you are interested

Then it's off to the group room to get hooked up to The Machine that goes Bing... I mean the infusion pump. It's not terribly painful, ut I did say OUCH every time it got turned on. First they start you on some saline, then your pre chemo meds ( they didn't tell me whats in that but I think they got I wanted the FLIGHT super power not one of the stupid ones like controlling the animals of the sea)  I'm doing FEC which is a combination of 3 different drugs. Two of which are "pushed" by a nurse becuase it has to be done very slowly, I think it total it took maybe 1/2 he to 45 mins of her having to sit with me pushing the giant syringe of BRIGHT FUSHIA ( ok more red than fushia , but I like fushia better) liquid then another clear one. Then they put the bag of whatever the other chemo drug in that doesn't need as close monitoring.... finally they flush you out with more Saline ( I gain 4 lbs without eating anthing all day that day...I think it was all the fluids)

The the over worked pharmacist showed up, I assume he's over worked because he look fed up and was pretty much all about speaking as quickly as possible about what to take when and get out of there, told me the basics and sent me home. We ended up back at the pharmacy where I had originally gotten my prescriptions to straighten out all the details.

Most of my meds are for nausea, and seem to be working. It comes & goes but so far the meds have staved off any actual vomiting.
Other interesting side effects noticed so far are:
*Tingling arms..like you slept with them under you & cut off the circulation
*Extreme fatigue
* some weird pains
*Metalic taste
* BRIGHT RED PEE ( well this is dissipating quickly & expected. I'm suppose to drink 8-12 glasses of liquid a day..and it cant all be coffee)

All in all I was in the chemo center from 11:30 am till 4:00 ( ish) pm
My second day has been relatively good so far.

OH AND MY BRAND SPANKIN NEW BABY NEPHEW WAS BORN @4:30AM MY FIRST DAY OF CHEMO... I am never gonna forget this kids birthday
                                      Maclomb Jeffery Gary Hunt 7lbs 6 oz

Tiny Daryl Dixon

Tiny Daryl Dixon by wickeddollz
Tiny Daryl Dixon, a photo by wickeddollz on Flickr.
Tiny Darryl Dixon harassing me to make a Tiny Murphy MacManus who will only harras me to make a Tiny Connor MacManus...then they'll all start buggin me to make all the Walking dead & Boondock Saints characters... I mean really where DOEs one draw the line??? Il Duce? Rocco? T-Dog? Rick?
(is anyone else worried I look like my grandmother?)