*WARNING this is MY experience you should not feel this way nor am I suggesting it is the correct way only that this is my journey through the disease and the things I need to do to get there
I'm not a FUCK CANCER kinda gal...sorry.. I'm just not.
I'm not that scared or that self absorbed. Don't get me wrong I'm PLENTY self absorbed. But I can't make this about the CANCER...maybe I am more self absorbed.
Cancer is not my enemy its just a disease, it's not a monster its just a disease it only has the power over me that any disease or illness has.... at least my cancer is.
My cancer is beatable. Since day one we've talked about cure. I know what I have to do to beat it and that's what were doing. It sucks... I mean it really sucks. Last week was side effects-palooza and I'm only just feeling better...but that's one month down.
I don't want to do it, but I have to. I sit and think sometimes... and cry...and then I put on the big girl panties and get it done... because that's what you do.
I tend to like Hitchen's quote ( and I'm badly paraphrasing here)
"People talk about fighting cancer, but its the most passive fight I've ever been in."
That's how I feel.
I am doing what I need to do. I don't need to tell everyone everyday how fucking mad I am ( mainly because mostly I'm not) I don't need to incessantly remind everyone that I have cancer ( maybe because I have specific good friends I can vent to, and I blog...I don't know.) I don't need to be told by people everywhere all the time they are thinking.about me, not that I don't like it on occasion, but ya know.
Maybe its because I'm over 40? Maybe its because I grew up being a sick kid? (hospitals are relatively normal for me.) Maybe it's just me, I only want to be the centre of attention with my own strict limitations. I have always said I'm better with insults than praise.
Maybe its because I have no fear. I am not "Fighting for my fucking life"...that's something else . I am working to be well again. But I have a good prognosis, so maybe that's easier for me. I don't know.
Its exhausting to watch people who are flying madly off in all directions.( not specific people just people I see in general) I don't have the energy to do that. I am putting one foot in front of the other plodding along getting through one thing at a time. Eye on the prize. I am a work horse not a race horse I suppose. I don't have the energy to watch it, or support it. Maybe I really am far more self absorbed than I thought. except no...
I am not the only person with cancer, with breast cancer... with any kind of cancer. But breast cancer especially there are so many others other sisters who have it , some better off than me some worse off than me. My grand mother, my mother friends... thousands of us all doing what we need to do.
I am not special. I am uniquely aware of how lucky I am to live where I am, when I am. I'm also living with someone I love having a stage 4 cancer that is... well harder to treat would be the best way to put it. So it's hard for me to feel too sorry for myself. ( not that I don't indulge occasionally)
Anyway I have to walk away from the flailing people occasionally, I don't know how deep the water is they are swimming in but I know if I swim out to try & help them they are going to pull me under. Let stronger swimmers than I help them :) For now I just wanna dog paddle to the shallow end and float m on my back staring at the stars.