I am sad...

I'm sad... I'm always sad, at least a little bit.
I can go along OK. well lets face it I can fake it  for a while then bam get hit with it for the stupidest reason.
I don't want to be back on antidepressants, I don't want to have to consciously access an emotion.

I know part of it is grief. I know part of it is just dealing with cancer.
I know part of it is just how I'm hard wired.

I know I'm just tired.

I'm tired of  fighting the good fight. I'm tired of making a point about women's rights and having to deal with my "friends" who immediately have to say "WELL WHAT ABOUT ______ isn't that important?" I'm tired of navigating through language so that it makes every possible subset feel they are supported. I'm tired of having to explain that if it isn't what you do, then you don't need to feel you are being pointed at, ya just need to be aware it's going on.

I'm tired of hearing about all the woo. I'm tired of everyone knowing everything about every way we get any disease because they read somewhere coffee enemas cure cancer ( or add any wonderful thing about curing cancer/ supporting your immune system, it's pretty much all bogus...Your IMMUNE SYSTEM doesn't a) give you cancer if it's not strong enough, or b) fight cancer if it's really strong You misheard, misread or didn't listen to what immunology research is talking about!)... they don't BTW they are simply a waste of good coffee.

I'm tired of being told about my cancer. I'm tired of people poo pooing my concerns that it may be genetic, because "Well it was post menopausal in your mother & grandmother" Oh yeah? Really I shouldn't worry because your degree in oncology came from? Oh no sorry you have a degree in genetics? oh no not that either..well its funny because my Oncologist recommended the genetic testing. SO instead of making yourself feel better by telling me , I shouldn't worry, just say "WOW that sucks I'm sorry you have to do this." Actually thats pretty much what you should say to anyone dealing with cancer of any kind ever. Basically stop making sick people say/do shit to make it easier for you to deal with it.

I'm tried of dealing with everyone else grief. I'm sorry I'd love to feel badly for you, but I'm too busy trying not to drown over here. In the words of "Red" in Sahwshank Redemption , "Either get busy living or get busy dying." Feel as badly as you want just know the universe of grief does not revolve around you. We are each the center of our own grief, and it's all as horrible as the other.

In closing I am tired...and sad... just sad


Leslie Johnson said...

"We are each the center of our own grief, and it's all as horrible as the other." That hits so deep in me, I'm stealing it and putting it on my favorite quotes on Facebook, attributed to you naturally. I'm deep in a year or two of a pretty nasty depression (even on antidepressants, loosing track of how long it's been)with only brief moments of reprieve. Cancer sucks, I'm sorry you have to do this.

Leslie Q. said...

It does suck, big time. I suggest you lose yourself in something for yourself for the moment. Watch Orange is the New Black on Netflix, I recommend it for exactly the kind of black escapism you could use. Love you, unconditionally.

wicked said...

Thank you Leslie(s)...heh how that for coincidence?