Cancer Chemo Menopause Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) & photographs

Yeah so I joke constantly that I got the one kind of chemo that actually makes you gain weight... except I did. In my fucked up brain there was a part of me that was "Well at least I'll get skinny"...except with breast cancer you don't always.

Initially I lost weight because of the surgery, but that just pout me at what I have in my head as being normal, between 125 and 129... if I go over 129 I get...anxious

I'm 140.
I'm anxious

The 2nd set of three chemos I gained on each one. I wasn't alone another woman asked me if I had because she had...both of us were looking more scared of that than the cancer. SERIOUSLY how fucked up IS that?


My Dr said it's also the fact the body got thrown into menopause, which sucks. I feel like I struggled my entire life to be thin, and now here I am and well fuck you menopause so you are going to have to struggle even harder. Its a cosmic joke. People who tell me just be careful what you eat and work out... yeah. I try but I also have joint pain from the tamoxifen so working out is loads of fun.

I have a love hate relationship with food.  I spent years restricting I spent years purging. I abused laxatives . I pretty much stopped all that when I had my kids... because yeah you cant do that. I seem to spend 1/2 my life figuring out food if not for myself then for everyone else.

I'm sick & tired of caring, part of me wishes I could just say "Fuck it" and just let go... but it's absolute panic for me to see a picture like this

I cant tell you how hard a decision it was to wear a T-shirt at all. I wore because it was part of the story I wanted to share with Norman Reedus, and because a friend made it for me to help me get through chemo and that was important. BUT what I wanted to wear was a tent, l  bat winged shirt and full length skirt something to hide in. I wore my mask in the photo- op..becuase I dont wanna look at me

Now heres the rub I can look at all kinds of women at all kinds of weight and see how fucking beautiful they are. I don't look at women  people and think at all about how thin or fat they are I can look through it to the person for everyone... except me

When I was at my smallest when I was 20, and still deep in body abuse I saw exactly the same thing as I see when I look at this picture. Its what I always see, and I have to remind myself of that everyday. But man it gets depressing to have to try and tell yourself you are not exactly  what you see.

I dont know what the point of this post was except to hopefully express something others may feel